“Am I going crazy?”
I get asked this a lot from recent widows. And, of course, the answer is no – you’re not crazy – but you are in a crazy situation. It’s important to, not only, understand it but to have helpful and encouraging action steps to move forward.
After losing your husband, everything has changed. Those first weeks after his death, you probably found yourself forgetting things: keys, appointments, what you just said. Because your right arm is gone. Your heart has been torn in two. Emotional pain is greeting you around every corner and, at the same time, you’re dazed and drained. No wonder you don’t feel like yourself.
But it’s not you. It’s grief.
Grief shows up when the initial shock of his death begins to wear off. I usually see this around days 20 – 40 after your husband’s death. This is when your loss becomes “real.” People go home – back to their normal lives. Your normal is gone. Once grief arrives, your natural equilibrium and the balance of emotion and reason that was once present in your everyday life is upended.
And grief is a trickster. He is very good at making every moment seem gigantic and unbearable in many ways. That’s why as we start out on this journey together to build your financial resilience, I want to reassure you:
You’re not alone.
You’re not crazy.
You’re going to be okay.
Acknowledge Grief
When those crazy emotions show up, know that feelings are meant to be felt. When they come, acknowledge them. Try this acknowledgement out loud. Say things like…
“I feel sad.”
“I’m really angry right now.”
“I feel so alone, frightened, empty, and depressed.”
Voicing your feelings out loud has tremendous value and healing power. By doing so, you drain the emotion of the power over you. Releasing the power opens up space within to help process what’s happening in your mind and heart. This allows you to remain open to your life so that you can grieve (which is a natural part of the process) and begin to recover and heal. Grief can be a long winding road with many twists and turns. Expect the unexpected and be patient with yourself.
Start off by making your bed.
This may seem ridiculous, but I assure you it’s not. Starting your day with a task completed will give you strength. And as you lay back down each night, it will build hope and courage within you.
After loss, in all its craziness, this baby step can bring you a glimmer of structure which will help you accomplish all that is to follow. Nothing can replace the strength and comfort of one’s faith, but sometimes the simple act of making your bed can give you the lift you need to start your day and provide you the satisfaction to end it right.
Organization is Key
One of the best ways to move forward with clarity and confidence is to begin to get organized. Taming the chaos is another act of structure that will help build your strength. To get a handle on where you stand financially, you’ll need to have all your papers—including bank statements, retirement account information, pensions, etc. effortlessly at your fingertips. Don’t get bogged down by trying to figure out what you need and don’t need right now. We are not making financial decisions at this point. We are only taming the chaos with a little organization.
That’s why I’ve created a Key Contacts & Documents Checklist. As you begin to organize, you will be able to easily determine who your professionals are and what survivor’s benefits may be owed to you.
Simply begin to make distinct piles on your dining room table or other designated area. You can make more elaborate filing systems later if you choose. For now, the basic system of labeling the stacks with sticky notes will work just fine. While working on this task – go slow, take breaks, and drink plenty of water.
I find it helpful to use sticky notes to label the documents that you need. Here are a few documents for your primary pile:
- Essential Documents – birth certificate (you, your husband’s, and minor children), marriage license, social security numbers for all, bank account number (with routing number) to receive deposits, and military records, if applicable.
- Legal Documents – Will and Trust documents.
- Health Insurance Information – for you, yourself, and minor children.
- State Certified Death Certificate - usually ordered from the funeral home - both long and short forms. You will need at least 10 copies ready to distribute.
- Benefits Information – life insurance, social security, veterans benefits, employer pensions, and annuities.
- Household Bills – mortgage payment, health premiums, home/auto insurance, etc.
Once you have this, you can begin to create a secondary pile. Keep those sticky notes handy!
- Property Deeds – home, rentals, business property, vacation homes.
- Financial Assets – bank accounts, retirement plans, investment accounts.
- Tax Returns – last two years.
- Titles – autos, boats, motor-homes.
- Loans and/or lease agreements – vehicles, properties, lines of credit, businesses.
After you’ve created your piles, there are a few other things you can do to keep that organization momentum going. Get a notebook to capture your to-do list. Keeping it in one place will be much easier. When a question comes up, such as looking into any pensions your spouse may have had or dealing with an extra car – you can put these down on the 3 or 6-month to-do list.
Having all these to-do items in one place (and on paper) will help your mind settle until you are ready to deal with them. Things like: contacting credit bureaus and credit cards to notify them of his death, shutting off his cell phone, etc.
You can also make a document travel bag.
Because you will soon be visiting various offices to apply for benefits, keeping these documents in your travel bag at all times will make this a much easier process. Be sure to keep things like his death certificates, birth certificates (all family members), social security numbers, marriage license, military discharge papers, and bank account numbers.
Double Check Essential Tasks
During this time, it can be all too easy to feel overwhelmed so there’s no need to feel like you have to rush to the next task or action plan.
That’s why I want to give you the 4 essential tasks to simply double check. Then I want you to go take a walk, have lunch with a friend, have a spa day – whatever it is to reward yourself.
- Verify Mortgage, Health Insurance, Auto/Home Insurances, Utilities, and Car Payments. Pay only bills in joint name or your name that are due immediately so as not to incur late payment fees. If there are any, set aside any bills in his name only (this includes his medical bills).
- Check Health Insurance Benefits if you are under age 65. If you do not have other health insurance, you can apply for COBRA through your spouse’s former health plan within 60 days of when you would lose coverage or when you receive a notice for electing COBRA. (Health insurance is the one financial decision that has to be made quickly.)
- Determine Executor of the Will and/or Trustee (if applicable). Usually this will be you, the surviving spouse. If you located your husband’s will and other legal documents above – sit down and review them.
- Verify Will Is Filed With Probate Court. If you have determined [above] he died without a will, was involved in any kind of litigation prior to death, had significant debts, was killed in an accident, owned a business or partial interest, or was having tax controversy with any taxing authority, you will want to seek legal assistance quickly.
As you go through these tasks, don’t forget to download and refer back to your Key Contacts & Documents Checklist. This will help you stay on task and be a tremendous source of guidance and encouragement during these 40 days.
I’m serious about going for that walk or having lunch with a friend now because you are beginning to take powerful steps towards your healing while strengthening your future. My goal is to make that journey feel a bit more organized and a little bit stronger with each passing day.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu
Wishing you ease, grace, and financial success.
~Laura
Any opinions are those of Laura L. Amendola and not necessarily those of RJFS or Raymond James.
Raymond James does not provide tax or legal services.
Thank you for stopping by. Please feel free to 
