“Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” You’ve heard it probably a million times lately – or a variation, at least. When your husband dies, those first few days can feel like you are moving through Jell-O. You take steps, your clothes somehow go on; you talk to people, you form words, but you aren’t actually sure how it’s all being done or said – and that slow moving feeling stays with you.
You reply, “Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” It seems like the automatic and best response to let people know you really do appreciate them. Of course. But right now, the biggest thing is knowing what you need. What is the “anything” someone could do for you? After all, these are uncharted waters – ones that you certainly never dreamed of swimming in, it’s a more than a bit rocky in here. And by the way, in case you forgot to mention, you don’t even like swimming. So it all seems like a bad dream you’re bound to wake up from.
And as reality sets in, it can be harder and harder to keep moving forward and stay motivated. That’s why the biggest thing a friend or family member can do for you is make sure you keep a solid checklist of everything you need to do coupled with some serious self-care. As you deal with each step – from funeral arrangements, joint bank accounts, insurance, etc. it’s just as important to make time for yourself – even in the smallest of ways.
The Overlooked Importance of Sleep – and Thank You Notes
Because immediately after his death will feel like an avalanche of never ending “to do” tasks. This is why it’s crucial that your self-care starts here. One of the best ways to do this is allowing close friends and family to assist with food preparation, shopping, and housekeeping tasks. This will help them with their grief, as well and will ensure that you have everything you need at home in those first few days. Also, frequently ask yourself: Am I sleeping enough? It can be easy to let rest and sleep fall off the list, but even a 15-minute nap can be a game changer as you tackle each task.
After the funeral or memorial period, people are often uncomfortable with grief and there can be a sense of rush to return you to “normal.” Remember, this is about them and not anything you should focus on or let upset you. This is why it’s important to establish a routine that will serve you. Whether it’s a yoga class, meditation, journaling, going for a daily walk or run – whatever it is, find out what you motivates you and go do it. Don’t be afraid to try several things until something resonates with you.
This is also a great time to send thank-you notes. Draw upon specific memories as you express your gratitude to the people around you for being there during such a difficult time. It not only gives you a task to complete (I suggest writing or typing out 3 per day) but also helps you express your appreciation for your network of family and friends, while allowing you to talk freely and openly about your husband.
Scheduling Regular Self-Care
During the first few months, schedule recurring self-care appointments on your calendar. Whether it’s a pedicure, facial, massage, coffee with a friend, or a movie with your sister, make an intentional effort to take care of yourself, even if you are not feeling up to it. In addition to the spiritual practice and exercise routine you are beginning to incorporate, these other acts of self-care will help you on those days when you feel like throwing in the towel or it all just seems too overwhelming.
Also, ask yourself: who is my most trusted friend? Perhaps it’s a sister or cousin. Whoever she may be, lean on her. During those first few months, ask her how she thinks you are doing. You don’t have to go through the grieving process alone. Now, often, many widows do a great job of asking friends and family for support, but sometimes that’s just not enough – and that’s ok.
Because if someone hasn’t gone through your experience (and they can be the best empathizer in the world) it can be hard to really fully express the scope of your grief. That’s why joining a support group to meet other widows or talking with a counselor can be the best form of self-care you can give yourself.
Your Best Next Steps
Lastly, many widows have shared that vision boards become a powerful tool to help with emotional recovery. Reflecting on the 8 basic areas of your life: family & friends, health, fun & recreation, financial well-being, personal growth, home environment, career, and spiritual enrichment can be a crucial tool for guiding you out of that first year. Filling the board with new aspirations towards your happiness and goals will help you look forward to the future – keeping you hopeful and motivated.
If you need more concrete steps to mapping out your first year as a widow, check out The First Year As A Widow: A Complete Checklist which will guide you through your entire first year with step-by-step actions along the way – from talking with the funeral director to important (often overlooked) banking to-dos, and other key ways to incorporate self-care. It’s my mission to help you move toward clarity, build your confidence, and bring comfort with simple tools – every step of the way.
Any opinions are those of Laura L. Amendola and not necessarily those of RJFS or Raymond James.
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