Please take some time for yourself. For most widows, after the service is not the time to immediately start organizing your financial affairs. Conflicting and rapidly changing emotions are often experienced after the initial shock. The numbness your mind utilized to keep your body functioning begins to wear off. People begin to go home, back to their normal lives. The “quietness” sets in and your body begins to feel the pain. This is usually when the loss becomes…real.
Make taking care of yourself your primary task now. Do what helps you, even if other people do not understand. People are often uncomfortable with grief and there can be a sense of rush to return you to “normal”. Get outside and try to breathe fresh air. Take walks with family members as well as by yourself. Scream if you need to! Let it out. Cry. Share stories and memories. Use his name. Sleep. Try to eat a healthy diet.
There are only a few matters to address shortly after your husband’s death. After the service I suggest you sit down with your close friend and sort through these items only:
- Determine who is the executor of the will and/or a trustee of any trusts (if applicable). Usually this will be you, the surviving spouse. If you are able to locate your husband’s will and other legal documents easily, sit down and review them. Place a call to your attorney to verify any questions you have and to inquire if a new tax identification number for your husband’s “estate” has been filed for. You will need to obtain this number to open an account at your bank in the name of his estate if necessary. Also understand that any Power of Attorney document for your husband is no longer valid due to death. You may no longer use this document to transact business for him or sign his name.
- Open any mail piled up and make a list of important bills: mortgage payments, utilities, car payments, and health insurance. Pay only essential bills in joint name or your name that are due immediately so as not to incur late payment fees. Many recurring bills are now paid online. You may have to login to the computer in order to do this. Locate passwords. If you are unable to login, find the “Contact Us” to call and advise them you are trying to send a payment. For more help paying bills see my detailed article Organizing and Paying Appropriate Bills After the Death of Your Husband.
- Begin thank-you notes if you feel like it or consider delegating this task to a family member or friend. They want to help you and it is okay to let them.
- Go back to taking care of yourself.
During the mourning process it is actually healthy to feel anger, betrayal, loneliness, and frustration (it’s when you stop ‘feeling’ that we have to begin to worry). What is most difficult about this “sorting-out reality” phase is its unpredictability in terms of time and content of emotions. Therefore, postpone making any important decisions for the first couple of weeks. Aim your focus at sticking to a daily routine the best you can.
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