Regardless of the circumstances leading to your husband’s death, the initial response is usually shock, disbelief, denial, and numbness. “It’s as if time stopped.” This is the body’s natural way of protecting itself against emotional shock. You may immediately feel as if you are in a tunnel or a ‘daze’. Often there is an experience of voices being muffled or far away.
During this extremely fragile and vulnerable time, you must take care of yourself and you may have to lean on others who truly want to help you. In the earliest moments after your husband’s death, I suggest the following:
- Call your closest and most trusted friend. Ask him or her to come pick you up from the hospital to take you home. If you are with family, have them drive you home and then call your friend. You will need to rely on their help and judgment in the next few days to come. They want to help you and it is okay to lean on them during this emotionally trying time.
- Do not go directly to the funeral home from the hospital. At this point you will have most likely gone into “survival” mode. By going to the funeral home while you are in a state of shock, you risk making overly-elaborate funeral arrangements that end up costing time, emotion, and excessive money.
- Let those close to you know about the loss. Ask family members to meet with you to confer on the immediate issues, such as: organ donation, body bequeathal instructions, and funeral preparations. It’s okay for one family member/friend to take a leadership role and assist with miscellaneous arrangements such as calling other friends and relatives for you.
- Contact your attorney if you have one. He or she will give you legal guidance on any immediate matter of the will as it relates to funeral arrangements requested by your husband. The attorney will often keep a copy of the will on file at their office. You may not be aware of pre-made arrangements, such as burial in a national cemetery, national honors, or fraternal/masonic participation. Because of this, do not commit to any funeral-related costs until you have discussed preparations with your friend, family leader, or attorney. Ultimately, you need to follow your heart, mind, and gut about making funeral decisions. When others begin to make recommendations based on their own personal preferences ask yourself: What would he have wanted? What can you afford? What’s realistic? What will help you and your family the most?
- Have your friend contact your husband’s employer if applicable. Later, have someone arrange to retrieve any of his personal belongings at work for you.
- Contact your employer if you are working to arrange for bereavement leave.
- Have the family leader begin to contact other family, friends, churches or organizations as necessary.
- Begin to keep track of items delivered such as food, flowers, and cards. Keep a pad of paper in one place for whoever is helping to answer the door. As things are delivered, they can immediately record the information for you.
- Do not take any calls from strangers. Someone may claim to have known your husband and offer to help you with your future finances. Have your friend or family leader answer all incoming phone calls and take messages only. Seek out help and advice from people you trust, rather than accept unsolicited offers.
- Ask a neighbor to keep an eye on your home during the funeral. Unfortunately, many home break-ins occur during the funeral service as thieves have been known to scan the paper for funeral times looking for their next victim.
- Rest.
You should discuss any legal matters with the appropriate professional.
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